Drinking Buddy
by gypsywriter135
Summary: Based on the news report about the owl found in Germany. Half crack. Human names used. Basically... Ludwig's brain breaks.


I have for you, a mindless, slightly cracky story for you to enjoy.

Please note that half of this is speculation, while half actually happened. I did research on this!

Enjoy.

**Disclaimer: APH is not mine... no matter how much I want it to be...**

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Ludwig was, to say the least, confused.

It didn't happen very often, but when it did, it hit the blonde German full on with a force strong enough to completely wipe his mind for however long it took so that whatever he was confused about made sense. Normally, this didn't take very long, as Ludwig was extremely bright and level headed and could, for the most part, figure out what had gone wrong.

This, however, was something completely different.

How this had happened, he had no idea.

The day had started off normal enough. He had awoken to the sound of his brother stumbling in the room drunk before the Prussian had collapsed in bed at five in the morning. Ludwig had promptly gotten up, knowing that the white-haired man would take over the bed in his alcohol-induced slumber and had gotten ready for the day a little early. Taking advantage of the extra time, he had gone for a quick jog with the dogs before taking a shower and sitting down to eat; after feeding the dogs, of course. He had the newspaper spread out on the table in front of him, and was half paying attention to the articles while he filled out a few last minute forms for his boss on his lap. He had just shoveled a mouthful of cereal in his mouth before a headline caught his eyes.

"OWL FOUND DRUNK NEAR BERLIN."

Raising an eyebrow, Ludwig chewed thoughtfully and swallowed before leaning forward to read the article.

"This morning, local police found a Great Horned owl on the side of the road, clearly intoxicated. A woman had called them when she noticed the owl acting strange."

Blue eyes widened and Ludwig grabbed the paper, pulling it close to his face to make sure that he wasn't hallucinating.

"The owl was apparently slurring and had droopy eyes, according to police. After searching the site, they found two empty bottles of Schnapps nearby."

Ludwig was gripping the paper so hard that he nearly tore it in half, eyes reading the words with lightening speed, brain struggling to comprehend what he was taking in.

"The owl will be taken to a local Raptor facility to recuperate before being released back into the wild."

Ludwig's brain broke.

His eyes stared blankly at the paper, cereal forgotten and forms abandoned. His brain kept trying to process the information he had just read, sorting through everything. Unfortunately, it kept displaying the same message over and over again.

"Does not compute."

Ludwig's pocket vibrated, and he absently reached a hand down to pull his cell phone out.

"Hello?" he answered, voice monotone as he continued to go over the ridiculous story.

"Ludwig!" he bosses voice screamed in his ear. "Have you read the paper yet this morning?"

"Yes…"

"Have you seen the article about the owl?"

"Yes…"

"Then you understand the gravity of this situation! We need to see that bird before they release it to figure out how something like this could have happened! This story is probably all over the world by now! Can you imagine what'll happen when America sees this! And we were just finally getting respect back, too! This could _ruin_ us!"

"Uh huh…"

"Are you listening? I've already called the police department and the bird isn't too far from where you live. They'll be releasing it at ten tonight, and we need to be there! Meet me outside the facility at nine thirty. Got it?"

"Ja…"

"Good! And make sure your brother comes too. We need to figure this out right away!"

"Ja, ja."

And with that, his boss hung up. Blackie laid her head on the German's lap. Ludwig shut his phone and he automatically scratched the dog behind her ears. His eyes, however, never left the article.

How in the world had this happened?

000000000000000

"I can't believe he making us go to release the stupid thing," Gilbert grumbled as he walked beside his brain dead brother.

"He's trying to make sure that everything goes smoothly and to find out what happened so this doesn't occur again," Ludwig told him.

**Answer not found** was his brain's continuous result.

He had spent all day trying to figure the whole situation out, and no matter how he looked at it, it just didn't make sense. How in the _world_ had this happened? And in _Germany_ of all places. The blonde shook his head, trying to rattle around some answers. Up ahead, the driveway to the sanctuary could be seen.

"I still don't understand why I have to be there," Gilbert complained as he bundled his coat tighter around himself. He blew out a frustrated breath and Ludwig watched the condensation cloud before drifting away.

**Answer not found**.

"You're part of Germany, bruder," he said.

"Ja, ja. Whatever…" Gilbert scoffed, falling silent again.

Ludwig glanced at his uncharacteristically quiet brother, noting the crease above his eyebrows, proof that he still had a headache from his hangover.

"Ludwig!"

Germany's boss waved them over quickly. The two made their way over to him and quickly lead them over to a small, brown-haired man. There were two police officers beside the man, and a large kennel on the ground by their feet.

"Ludwig, Gilbert, this is Dr. Mueller. He's the one who was observing the owl. Officers Fischer and Shultz were the policemen who found the owl."

"Pleasure to meet you," Ludwig said, holding out his hand to shake the trio's.

"You as well," the veterinarian said, turning to Gilbert, hand outstretched.

Gilbert huffed and turned away, looking at the kennel.

**Answer not found.**

"This it?" the albino asked, gently nudging the cage with his foot. There was scuffling from the inside.

Mueller nodded. "He's completely sober now."

"So he's ready for release?" Ludwig's boss asked hopefully.

Mueller nodded.

**Answer not found**.

"Ready whenever you are, sir," Mueller said.

"Let's just do this now. I want to know more," Ludwig's boss replied.

Mueller nodded and bent down. "If everyone would please stand back. I want to make this as easy and quick as possible so as not to cause stress to the bird." He shoved a thick glove on his hand and arm.

The group stepped back as the doctor reached down and unlatched the gate. He stuck the gloved hand inside and fumbled around for a minute before pulling out, a juvenile Great Horned owl in his grasp. The bird blink at all of them before hissing and trying to escape. Mueller raised his hand and gently threw the owl in the air, where it flapped its wings and took off into the night, screeching as it disappeared.

Ludwig's boss breathed a sigh of relief. He turned to the police. "Can we see the evidence?"

Shultz nodded. "Sure. We brought the bottles with us."

**Answer not found**.

The group followed the two officers to the police car, where Fischer pulled out a box of gloves and handed them around to the group. Shultz grabbed a large bag containing two bottles.

**Answer not found.**

"We can't risk contaminating the evidence," Fischer told them with a small grin.

Ludwig nodded and handed a pair of gloves to Gilbert. His brother glared at him, but took the gloves when Ludwig narrowed his eyes. Making sure that the Prussian actually put the gloves on, he turned back to his boss, who was inspecting one of the bottles while the vet looked at the other.

**Answer not found.**

"I just don't understand how this happened," he said. "These kinds of Schnapps aren't even from this century, let alone Germany."

**Answer not found.**

"I agree," Shultz said. "My grandfather's got a pack of these, but _his_ grandfather was the one who had originally bought them from Ireland."

**Answer not found.**

"They're pretty expensive too," Fischer added. "I don't see why anyone would leave these sitting on the ground in Berlin."

**Answer not found.**

"May I see?" Ludwig asked, holding out a hand. His boss handed the bottle over to him.

**Answer not found.**

Ludwig examined the bottle, turning it over in his hands. Gilbert peeked at it around his shoulder.

**Answer not found.**

Ludwig's eye caught the familiar label and he brought the bottle closer, narrowing his eyes.

**Answer not found.**

Mueller said something, and he felt Gilbert turned towards the doctor.

**Answer not-**

His boss cried out Gilbert's name as the shorter man turned and slowly made his way down the driveway, saying something about being late for an appointment.

**Re-running data…**

**Logical answer found.**

"_GILBERT!"_

The albino took off down the road back to the house as Ludwig's mind finally processed what had happened. The German growled as he shoved the bottle back to his confused boss and bewildered vet and police before running after his brother, shouting curse words.

As he reached the road and caught sight of Gilbert's red coat ahead of him, he let out a roar and quickened his run.

"Come on, West!" Gilbert yelled over his shoulder as he ran. "It was just a little fun!"

"WHAT THE _HELL_ MADE YOU THINK THAT GETTING AN OWL _DRUNK_ WOULD BE _FUN_?"

* * *

Last week, Germany actually did find a drunk owl. Where exactly, I couldn't find. They held the owl until it was sober and then released it.

Immediately after hearing about this, I thought, "Prussia had something to do with this."

With encouragement from my friend, I wrote this piece of failure.

Seriously, if you don't believe me about the owl, "Google" it.


End file.
